10) Do you make pickle backs?
Bartenders' Comments: If you've asked this question to me at any point in the past, especially last night, you should know that, in that very moment, I wanted to slap you upside your head with a smelly dead fish. Repeatedly. Because you should know better than to put anything - much less stupid shit like pickle juice - into your whiskey, which is supposedly intended to neutralize the taste and burn. Huh, neutralizing the taste and burn of whiskey? If not for the taste and burn then what other joys are to be derived from consuming whiskey besides the obvious bliss of intoxication? Wouldn't you prefer the fruity flavor of a wine cooler or a Zima? I'd make less fun of you for that. Now go away, little girl.
9) Your dad looks like he's getting kinda drunk.
Bartender's Comments: Cut your friend's dad some slack, Suzie. After all, he's at a white-boy reggae show with a bunch of high school girls. He needs to take the edge off. Just don't let him touch your no-no square. That's when things get weird.
8) Guy that thinks he's a Player: Pour that shit fat yo, and I'll give you a fat tip, player.
Me: Your credit card is declined, player.
Guy that thinks he's a Player: Oh shit yo, I aint' got no money then. Will you give me that beer for free?
Bartenders Comments: This guy is more than likely humping some small farm animal right now. I'd like to think it's the other way around, but that just seems impossible.
7) Danica Patrick is trapped in the greenroom.
Bartender's Comments: This is only partially true - She wasn't trapped, per say, she was just stuck back there for a while. When Rod-dog explained to me who she was I exclaimed "What! They let women drive race cars now? How can that be!"
Disclaimer: before you run me out of town like you all did to those horny baristas last year (and DJ Rob a while back), the above is not a sexist statement - I'm totally open to women in the racing industry - simply, I'm shocked that the chauvinistic rednecks in Tennesee and South Carolina (and wherever else people race) allowed it to happen. In fact, I think that anyone who wants to drive race cars should be permitted to do so, because there's obviously something wrong with a person who chooses to go around aimlessly in circles for several hours each weekend, and a racetrack keeps them contained and removed from the rest of us normal folks, kinda like a voluntary prison for not-so-bright people.
6)My dog ate the shoes that the homeless Jamaican guy gave you.
Bartender's Comments: Obviously you need to feed your dog more often, if he's eating the shoes of a homeless Jamaican man.
5) Do you have Pringles-infused vodka?
Bartender's Comments: I don't have time for this, m'am.
4) What kinda nigga got my lemon curds?
Bartender's Comments: ???????????
3) Dude, man, don't take three bags to India, you're gonna need to connect with the people and the cows and shit and you can't do that with three bags hanging off of you. Only take one bag, man. I mean, when I was in India it was all... just ride some buses, dude. And smoke a helluvalotta hash, man. When I was in India I woke up every day and drank chai and just sat there with these old dudes who just sit there all day and smoke hash. I'd try to do it... just sit there like this (displays sitting posture down on the bar floor) like... just sit there... but dude I couldn't do it... but those old dudes did it all day long. And get pepper spray for the dogs, they need something. Like I'm telling you, dude. The people are like, whatever, but the dogs are just like... you gotta protect yourself there, dude... monkeys will throw shit at you on your motorbike and all, dude. Rent a scooter and just push it dude, push it, push it. That's how I did it when I was in India, man.
Bartender's comments: Yes, I really did stop and type this down as he was saying it. It was golden. And yes, he was being serious. At least, as serious as someone like that can be.
2) Strange woman: Are you're folks cranky?
Strange Woman: I wanna know if you got cranky folks. Because you didn't laugh at my vagina joke. Hell, you didn't even smile once. You definitely gotta come from cranky folks.
Me: I didn't smile because your joke sucked.
Bartender's Comments: Earth to Janice, come in please. This is reality speaking, and you are not seven years old anymore. The word vagina is not a joke. As a bartender going on fifteen years now, I have jokes out the wazoo (jokes are like, part of the job, I think) and the word vagina is not included in a single one of them, much less is it a joke on it's own. The word pussy, however, is included in more than one of them, but even pussy is not funny on it's own.
1) Are you a skilled golfer, Donnie?
Bartender's Comments: You had to be there.