Well, well. If it isn't crazy time again. Just when I felt like I was done with it forever, 'round comes Christmas - a month-long circus in which all sorts of highly unstable imaginary characters predominate our lives, providing an excuse for a masquerade or gargantuan proportions involving pretty much all of mankind, who decorate everything in sight like patients in a mental ward preparing for family day.
10. Christmas Music Christmas music encompasses a broad variety of musical stylings, from orchestral arrangements to rap to singing chipmunks, yet it is some of the worst shit you'll ever hear. But strangely, none of us can get enough Christmas music into our lives. Every famous one-name recording artists such as Elvis, Sting, Madonna, Enya, Liberace, Eminem, Cher, Bjork, and Beyoncé has at some point dabbled in Christmas. There was even that weird moment between David Bowie and Bing Crosby when they converged for a duet of Little Drummer Boy. I struggle to imagine how this arrangement even came about: "Hey, Bing, wanna sing 'Swinging On a Star?" "Nah, that's too earthy, man, how about Space Oddity?" "You know, I'm not really feeling that one tonight. What say we do Little Drummer Boy?" "Why yes, David, that sounds joyous; you sing Peace On Earth and I'll take the 'Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum refrain." "OK, Bing, Let's do this!" "Not so fast, David, we'll need a film crew, some fake snow, a piano, and an English sitting room..."
9. Santa Clause What can be said about Santa Clause that doesn't make him sound like a perverted former convict? Santa Clause is an overweight, unshaven recluse who has not changed his clothes in several decades. He cohabitates with a clan of colorful elves in some place called the North Pole. He brings gifts to young children via your chimney in the middle of the night; he even finds a method to enter the homes of those living in apartments and condos who don't have chimneys presumably by employing some sort of master key, and he always arrives unannounced. Santa sustains himself on an unhealthy diet of cookies and milk. He travels by way of an outdated vehicle- a sleigh, which, as far as I can tell, is something like a convertible Miata that flies -but not on it's own, of course, because everyone knows that Miatas can't fly - that would be ridiculous. Santa's sleigh is powered by a flock of flying reindeer, the leader being an outcast named Rudolph whose nose glows like a beacon in the night. Santa does not fly his craft on warm summer afternoons but in sub zero conditions during the middle of the night in December and can somehow circumnavigate the globe, making several million stops, in under twenty four hours. If you ask me, Santa, his elves, and his deer are consuming massive amounts of blow to maintain this lifestyle.
8. Christmas Trees Christmas is not a classification of tree- it's a fir tree, for chrissakes -but because everyone is all bat shit crazy on holiday cheer no one knows the difference. However, you're officially a humbug if you don't kill a tree in the name of Christmas or have one killed for you and display it in your home during the month of December. So it's arranged: A tree - a real tree from, like, somewhere outside, is chopped down, strapped on top of your car and delivered to your living room where it is awarded valuable real estate for the next few weeks. But it doesn't end there - we can't just have a plain ol' tree in our house - because how weird would that be - so we decorate it with all kinds of shit: lights, stars, balls, ribbons, food items, glitter, fake snow, and pieces of trash as if it were a cosmic spaceship or brain-dead relative. Then, as soon as Christmas Day passes, we toss it to the curb.
7. Candy Canes Who were the holiday geniuses that came up with the idea of molding sugar into the shape of a miniature walking device? "Hey, we need an official Christmas candy." "OK, let's make it peppermint flavor with red and white stripes." "Sounds good to me, but it's lacking definition. Let's shape it into something - like a walking apparatus, only one-sixteenth the size so we can hang it from the branches of the tree in our living room." "Yes sir, now you're talking..." But have you ever seen anyone eating a candy cane? No, you haven't - they get broken into little chards inside their wrapper and thrown away. Fuck you, candy cane! Why can't you be more like cookies?
6. Christmas Presents Each Christmas we buy presents for our friends and families, which can be very time consuming, not to mention costly. And after all that time, effort, and money spent sourcing a bunch of shit for other people you're still not done - each gift must be decorated with colorful paper, bows, ribbons, and labels in order to be deemed acceptable by other Christmas enthusiasts. Then you present the gift to the person and they're all, 'Oh, I can't imagine what this could possibly be?', as if dressing up the package like a flamboyant peacock threw them for a loop. And in return you receive yet another collared sweater from J.C. Penny. I encourage you to bypass this charade entirely by presenting each of your loved ones with a Name-A-Star Certificate that you create and personalize yourself. Because why not? People love having stars named after them, and if you think that any of the official star-naming agencies received permission from the universe before allowing Marge from Ohio the naming rights to a celestial body ten million miles away then you've clearly had too much Eggnog.
5. Christmas Spirit. People whose cup runneth over with Christmas spirit do things like don gay apparel and head out into the night with other Christmas weirdos to go caroling, which is really just another term for trespassing loudly. Unfortunately, I don't know that I've ever felt the Christmas sprit, with one possible exception - during a recent performance of 'All I Want For Christmas is You,' when Mariah Carey's big ol' left titty almost burst out of her dress. I don't know if it was Christmas Spirit or what, but I definitely felt something then.
4. Christmas Decorations People love to decorate shit, and that is never more apparent then during Christmas season. What compels a normal person to climb on the roof to outline his home in colored lights so everyone else can see it while he's inside? People construct nativity scenes in their yards. People blow up giant inflatable objects in their yards. People dress up their cars to resemble reindeers. People dress up their dogs to resemble reindeers. People dress up their children to resemble reindeers. Even entire cities and towns dress up their lamp posts with ribbons and bows. People even dress up themselves- they wear elf ears over their real ears, they wear Santa hats to work, and they even wear Christmas sweaters in a non-ironic way. If all these decorations are so wonderful, why not just have them all year round?
3. Yuletide Cheer. I don't know what this is - but I'm pretty sure I don't have any. Fuck it. You're gonna have to figure this one out for yourself.
2. Tis The Season Everybody's Pissed Off. It's not even Christmas day and I'm about to lose it. I've assembled a miniature bicycle, a vacuum cleaner, an overcomplicated shelf, and an overcomplicated wine rack, all in the name of Christmas. I've been to the post office four times, made multiple visits to Santa in various locations, including once on a moving train car in the middle of nowhere, and each time that Santa appeared my kid freaked the fuck out. Some Christmas enthusiast with a wreath on his hood about ran me over in the Chic-fil-A parking lot, and I observed a fight in the grocery store between two Christmas Enthusiasts over a turkey baster. I've even had to wrap several presents with wrapping paper, and that shit is hard. None of this has not contributed towards my cheerful state of Christmas bliss.
1. Christmas Time In the future, Christmas will last year-round. As for now, no-one is really certain when Christmas begins or ends. Initially Christmas Day was supposed to be Jesus' birthday, but then we all heard that Jesus was really born in late January or something and said 'Let's just roll with this December 25 thing.' So there's that. Then there's the twelve days of Christmas: What wild-dog came up with that plan- "Fuck it- I'm gonna celebrate Christmas alright - but not for one, two, or three days - I'm gonna party for twelve days straight!" Other people like Michael, of the Michaels' Arts and Crafts chain, as well as employees of Lowes Home Improvement stores celebrate Christmas starting in late August, which is pretty enthusiastic. And on the back end there's new year's, which is really just Extended Christmas, allowing for decorations and general nonsense to continue into the new year. But for now there is no end in sight, so like they say - if you can't beat em, join em. I hope all you fellow Christmas Enthusiasts have a Merry Christmas.