10. Drunk friend #1: Thermometers don't really work.  They're all fake.  That mercury shit is just like adult play-doh in a little tube that you can't touch.  

 Drunk friend #2: Listen, you can't argue with science, bitch.  I'll punch you in the face if you argue  with science.  If I had a thermometer right now I'd ram it straight up your ass.


9. Fuckin' cats, man.  What are you gonna do with a cat?  I mean, dogs can go into the mall.  Dogs can go to Lowes and restaurants.  Take a fucking cat to the park and see how that goes.  You can take a dog to the library; cats would be all hiddin' up on the shelves because they don't read, but guess what - dogs do.  Dogs like to read. My dog reads all the time, non fiction is what he likes.  So fuck your cat.


8. You guys look like you're gonna hook up.  I'll come along and film it for for fifty bucks.


7. I thought I trained my brain not to do that but my brain don't listen to itself so it done it anyways.


6.  You ever accidentally piss when your cumming?  Nothin' like a post-fuck piss.  R Kelly won a grammy for that.  


5.  Dude your mom is on the stage again.


4.  In the end I looked like a cum tree, I was totally covered in cum.


3.  Drunk Girl: I'll have a Jack and Coke.

Bartender:  We don't carry Jack Daniels.

Drunk Girl:  How can you not have Jack Daniels?  Fine then, I'll have a Jack and Coke.

Bartender:  I just told you that we don't carry Jack Daniels.  

Drunk Girl: OK.  Yeah, that's what I want, Jack Daniels and Coke.

Bartender:  You realize that Jack Daniels is the 'Jack' in 'Jack and Coke,' right?  And we don't carry Jack Daniels.  So I can't make you a Jack and Coke.  I'll make you something else, but not a Jack and Coke.

Drunk Girl:  Wait, what are you saying?  Can't you just make me a Jack and Coke?


2.  You smell really good, like you didn't bathe.


1.  You outta run that bitch over with your new dump truck.