asheville bars

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE PARQUET COURTS SHOW LAST NIGHT

10.  I work as a barista so I take my beer pretty seriously... Actually, I'll just have a PBR, actually.

 

9.   I'm pretty big on hiking in the woods in the dark.  I can't see shit, but I do it anyways, you know.  Yeah, there's roots and rocks and shit, but again, I do it anyways. 

 

8. We're cool guys, right?  I mean, we like rap, we like hip hop, we're down with it all.  (Said in a completely serious manner by two extremely white guys, roughly 21 years old.  Then they ordered two miller lites.)

 

7. This beer actually has weed in it.  Taste it, you can taste the buds.  (Again, said in a completely serious manner.  And no, the beer does not have weed in it you knucklehead.  It's the hops you're tasting.)

 

6. I wasn't certain because it wasn't spoken but then I slept with his best friend and like everyone in Durham found out and it was like, kinda messy.  So yeah there's that.

 

5.  Dude, my group of friends are like, so gay.  You're gonna fit right in, man.

 

4.  You wouldn't know it but I'm a hard cider aficionado, actually.

 

3. What happened to Josh?  He fell off a bridge or some shit like that.  Yeah, I've known people to fall off escalators all the time and shit like that.

 

2.  He said he would pull out and hope for the best so I was like ok let's go do it then.

 

1.  Goddamnit I need a doughnut so bad I would sell my left testicle to a squirrel if it would bring me a doughnut.

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD WHILE BARTENDING AN OF MONTREAL SHOW

Of Montreal played a stellar show last night to a packed house.  Though I prefer the band's bygone days when things were more experimental and involved copious amounts of drugs, the current lineup sounded great and their stage show was spot on.  Just as impressive as Kevin Lawrence Barne's endless wig wardrobe were the amount of weirdos in attendance - looking weird,acting weird, and saying weird shit.  Here's a small sampling of their creative minds at work:

10) Girl #1: Are you on the glitter train?  Girl # 2: Yes bitch I'm on the glitter train. I'm the mother-fucking queen of the glitter train.

9) Take my punch card again and I'll punch you in the face.

8) Dude, you look pretty sweet in that dress, man.

7) There's golden nuggets of doo doo all over the place, you just gotta look for them.

6) If someone puts glitter on you and you don't want it on you, this should be considered assault. 

5) Could I get a monkey fuck? Does it look like I give a monkey fuck? Monkey-fucking-whatever.

4) Look out! He's got a live scorpion in there!

3) I'm not gonna be able to function without my barbie doll.

2) My life has been twenty years of awesomeness and danger.

1) This place smells like one big fart.