disgruntled bartender


10. I got a grandbaby who don't sleep.  You gots to pick her up and rub her, just rub her.  I been rubbin' her nearly fourteen hours today.  Hell, I even been to Tennessee and back two times today... I take some loads, gotta get paid, you know?  Then I come back home and rub rub rub.


9.  Last time I flew to Jamaica I took my pit bull with me.  I had to buy a ticket for her.  Because you can't drive to Jamaica... you wouldn't drive anyways.  You're comin' out cheaper flyin' than driving, including the price of your dog's ticket.


8.  Get your dirty fingers outta my asscrack pronto jack!


7.  Well, I was gonna get it down lower on my titties, then I decided they was too perty to do that, so I got it all up around my neck instead.  (Said in response to the question, 'Do you think that tattoo was a good idea?')


6.  I got a family but they don't care.  They don't love me, they don't love Easter.  They don't give a shit and I don't give a rat's ass about them anyhow.  But a Merry Easter to you, Mr. Bartender.


5.  I'm on the road twenty-four to thirty-six hours every day.


4.  All I hear is goddamn train whistles...I hear 'em when I'm sleeping...I hear 'em when I'm walking... I hear 'em when I'm sleepwalking...And lemme tell ya, there's nothing like chasin' after a train when you're in the middle of a good shit.


3.  I got a little tipsy last night and took to kissin' on my cousin.... naw, I tried to but she wouldn't let me...


2.  (In response to the question, 'Is your maw picking you up tonight?') Shit, son, you know my maw don't want me comin' to no music concert.  I told her I was at Damian's house playin' videos.


1.  I'm gonna catch me a piece of that flying fried chicken.  


10.  I work as a barista so I take my beer pretty seriously... Actually, I'll just have a PBR, actually.


9.   I'm pretty big on hiking in the woods in the dark.  I can't see shit, but I do it anyways, you know.  Yeah, there's roots and rocks and shit, but again, I do it anyways. 


8. We're cool guys, right?  I mean, we like rap, we like hip hop, we're down with it all.  (Said in a completely serious manner by two extremely white guys, roughly 21 years old.  Then they ordered two miller lites.)


7. This beer actually has weed in it.  Taste it, you can taste the buds.  (Again, said in a completely serious manner.  And no, the beer does not have weed in it you knucklehead.  It's the hops you're tasting.)


6. I wasn't certain because it wasn't spoken but then I slept with his best friend and like everyone in Durham found out and it was like, kinda messy.  So yeah there's that.


5.  Dude, my group of friends are like, so gay.  You're gonna fit right in, man.


4.  You wouldn't know it but I'm a hard cider aficionado, actually.


3. What happened to Josh?  He fell off a bridge or some shit like that.  Yeah, I've known people to fall off escalators all the time and shit like that.


2.  He said he would pull out and hope for the best so I was like ok let's go do it then.


1.  Goddamnit I need a doughnut so bad I would sell my left testicle to a squirrel if it would bring me a doughnut.


It's been a long week of shows and I've overheard so many strange and share-worthy statements that my head is about to split open.   Yet as expected, it was the country music fans at the Shooter Jennings show who took the cake:  Being the start of the weekend and everyone having just been paid, it did not take long before the gems were flying.  

10.   I just come right up to the road block and throw my hands in the air and says to the cop you got me, I done it, take me away.

9.  I slept with Kenny Rogers once; his balls were huge.

8.  You know what happens when you hit a guard rail?  You rip your goddamn leg off, that's what.

7.  That bitch tied a string to his dick and pulled him out the side door.

6.  Y'all wanna get so fucked up we go home in ambulances tonight?  Gimme a Bud Lite!

5.  Beer ain't supposed to be black.  You gotta see through it if you's gonna drink something.  I'll just take a Bud Lite...

4. Can you put a little ass in my beer? (Also heard: Can you put some ass in my wine?)

3.  Goddamn that's one big woman.  I bet she's got a hairy ass, too.

2.  Try that again and I will break my pussy over your balls. (said by a man, btw)

1.  What? Ya'll aint got Bud Lite? Far as I'm concerned it ain't a bar if it ain't got Bud Lite. If you ain't got Bud Lite then I don't know where I'm at, cause I ain't in a bar.  What the fuck am I gonna drink now? Gimme a Coors Lite. What! You ain't got no Coors Lite Neither? This is the worst night of my life.