top ten

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD WHILE BARTENDING A SHOOTER JENNINGS SHOW

It's been a long week of shows and I've overheard so many strange and share-worthy statements that my head is about to split open.   Yet as expected, it was the country music fans at the Shooter Jennings show who took the cake:  Being the start of the weekend and everyone having just been paid, it did not take long before the gems were flying.  

10.   I just come right up to the road block and throw my hands in the air and says to the cop you got me, I done it, take me away.

9.  I slept with Kenny Rogers once; his balls were huge.

8.  You know what happens when you hit a guard rail?  You rip your goddamn leg off, that's what.

7.  That bitch tied a string to his dick and pulled him out the side door.

6.  Y'all wanna get so fucked up we go home in ambulances tonight?  Gimme a Bud Lite!

5.  Beer ain't supposed to be black.  You gotta see through it if you's gonna drink something.  I'll just take a Bud Lite...

4. Can you put a little ass in my beer? (Also heard: Can you put some ass in my wine?)

3.  Goddamn that's one big woman.  I bet she's got a hairy ass, too.

2.  Try that again and I will break my pussy over your balls. (said by a man, btw)

1.  What? Ya'll aint got Bud Lite? Far as I'm concerned it ain't a bar if it ain't got Bud Lite. If you ain't got Bud Lite then I don't know where I'm at, cause I ain't in a bar.  What the fuck am I gonna drink now? Gimme a Coors Lite. What! You ain't got no Coors Lite Neither? This is the worst night of my life.

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD WHILE BARTENDING AN OF MONTREAL SHOW

Of Montreal played a stellar show last night to a packed house.  Though I prefer the band's bygone days when things were more experimental and involved copious amounts of drugs, the current lineup sounded great and their stage show was spot on.  Just as impressive as Kevin Lawrence Barne's endless wig wardrobe were the amount of weirdos in attendance - looking weird,acting weird, and saying weird shit.  Here's a small sampling of their creative minds at work:

10) Girl #1: Are you on the glitter train?  Girl # 2: Yes bitch I'm on the glitter train. I'm the mother-fucking queen of the glitter train.

9) Take my punch card again and I'll punch you in the face.

8) Dude, you look pretty sweet in that dress, man.

7) There's golden nuggets of doo doo all over the place, you just gotta look for them.

6) If someone puts glitter on you and you don't want it on you, this should be considered assault. 

5) Could I get a monkey fuck? Does it look like I give a monkey fuck? Monkey-fucking-whatever.

4) Look out! He's got a live scorpion in there!

3) I'm not gonna be able to function without my barbie doll.

2) My life has been twenty years of awesomeness and danger.

1) This place smells like one big fart.